I won't lie - Christmas was hard. Really hard. Just as hard as I thought it would be. There was crying every day and lots of trying somewhat successfully not to cry, especially in public. Luckily there was nowhere we needed to be and David and my Mom and I kept each other company and passed the days. We did get a few pictures from the orphanage that were taken on Christmas Eve and although Adeline looks healthy and fine, she looks like an orphan again, which made me very sad and angry. There was no news about our return, but we're still hopeful for January or February. Or we're trying to be hopeful anyway. Our daughter should be with us and every day that passes is one more day that she should have been home, getting the love and care that only her family can provide. We know that she is receiving loving and attentive care, but just being in a third world orphanage comes with significant risks to her health and development. David and I are attempting to cope by eating way too much sugar and too many fried snacks and watching a lot of brain-numbing movies. It helps, although the massive carbo-loading is going to have to end soon for our own good. Now that David is back to work my days are way too long. My strategy is to harness the healing power of busy-ness, so all day long I've been tidying, cooking things for the freezer (if anyone needs frozen squash puree, I've got you covered) and crafting. I'm hoping the rain will stop soon so that I can get out into the garden and do the fall clean-up that I missed out on because I was getting ready to leave the country. Making things has always been very therapeutic for me and has gotten me through some of the other hard times in my life. I'm having trouble picking a project though. Long before we knew who she was, I was making things for the small person, and now that I think I should make something just for me I have no idea what to do. I know I could and probably should continue to make things for Adeline, but instead of being distracting they seem to really focus me on the hurt and the worry and that's not what I need right now. Today I'm putting together some granny squares into a doll blanket and all I can think about is if she will ever be here to play with it. So I need a project just for me...knitting, sewing, crocheting, embroidering...it doesn't matter what, but it should be time consuming and satisfying. It has to be easy as my brain is pretty scattered, but it should be complex enough that it is a good distraction. My studio is half packed up as we were in the middle of the transition from craft room to play room when we left and I've been paralyzed trying to decide whether or not to finish the transition. I don't think I believe in jinxing things, but maybe I do. I think I could find any sort of supply I needed though and I have an enormous large insane healthy stockpile of yarn, fabric, trim and notions as well as a million patterns and all the tools I could possibly need, but I just can't decide. Everything I think of just seems useless. I guess I just want to be making things for Adeline or her room and anything I can think of for me just seems dumb.
For New Year's Eve tonight David is making us dinner and then we're going to watch all the episodes of "Glee" that we recorded while we were away. We'll likely be in bed before midnight, but all the days are the same lately - just one more day that we've been kept apart from our girl and hopefully one more day closer to going back for her. Whatever your plans are for this evening I hope that they are just what you need to send 2009 on it's way and welcome in the brand new year.
Sorry to be such a downer again. David says my posts should come with a warning "Caution - the following post will crush and mangle your holiday spirit. Read at your own peril".