Tet Party (and an over-long ramble)

We were "friend of a friend of a friend" invited to a Tet party for the local Vietnamese Sunday afternoon school. I didn't even know we HAD a Vietnamese school until recently, so it was nice to see all the beautiful children and hear them singing and reciting in Vietnamese while all their proud parents beamed and took pictures of them.

There was a lion dance (as I hoped there would be) and as it was a very small room it was LOUD and CLOSE and LONG and you can see how Adeline coped with it... She was very brave though and by the next day she was telling me how much she liked the noisy lion dance and how fancy the "lion pants" were.

There was some VERY delicious food, which was Adeline's favourite part of the party! My girl LOVES Vietnamese food. I don't know if it's because those are the tastes she shared with her Birth Mother while in the womb and then with her caregivers at the orphanage or just because it's plain delicious, but anything Vietnamese will see Adeline cleaning her plate and asking for more.

There was also Li Xi (red envelopes with money) for all the children and a visit from the Kitchen God - which all the children found VERY funny. The whole day was completely in Vietnamese, so we couldn't really get the jokes, but we enjoyed it anyway.

David and I were half of all the caucasians there and we didn't understand a word that was said all afternoon and although we felt welcomed we talked to very few people, so it was a bit awkward all in all, but still a good experience. We're willing to feel a little uncomfortable to hopefully help Adeline feel more comfortable ultimately in the Vietnamese community. This event just brought it home to me again that as much as we try, we will only ever be tourists in Vietnamese culture and as much as we enjoy integrating parts of our daughter's heritage into our family through food and festivals and travel back to Vietnam, that Adeline will never be Vietnamese Canadian in the same way that those children from the party are.

Every family through adoption makes their own choices about culture keeping, from doing absolutely nothing to honour their child's heritage, to only making connections with other adopted children and not reaching out to members of the birth culture, or they might send their children to summer culture camp but not think about it the rest of the year or some families even go so far as to choose to live in their child's country of birth. I would say we do more than most - we celebrate Viet holidays, have art from Vietnam in our home, cook Viet food every week and visit Viet restaurants, we have many books about Vietnam both for children and adults, we listen to music and watch movies from Vietnam, we plan to visit Vietnam as a family every few years and we are tentatively making connections in our local Vietnamese community. We haven't done any of that to try and transmit Vietnamese culture to our daughter, as we know we can't do that, we just want Adeline to see that her parents admire and respect Vietnamese culture and to hopefully instill a feeling of pride in being born in Vietnam in Adeline. A lot of it is fun and interesting for me, but I'm always aware that my understanding of Vietnamese culture will always be superficial and I'm always wondering what is enough and what's best for Adeline. Adeline will have to find her own way and her own identity as "Vietnamese", "Canadian", "Adopted" and whatever else she is to become, and we will help her as much as we can, but it still might be a challenging journey for her. We can walk beside her as much as she will have us, and can maybe provide some maps, but really ultimately it will be up to her. I love Adeline so much that I just want her to have an easy, peaceful life, and I know that being adopted transracially brings with it a lot of "stuff" that other children just don't have to think about. Adeline needed a family to love and raise her, and I know that Adeline has gained by being our daughter, as the life of an orphan even in the best of institutions is not the way to grow a happy and healthy human being, and there is no question that I have gained immeasurably by being Adeline's mother, but I still feel sadness at the losses Adeline has had and at the challenges she may face.

We're still thinking about Vietnamese school as an option for Adeline to get in touch with her Viet-ness, but it's not as easy a decision as it seemed at first. As much as we'd like Adeline to learn some of the language and be a part of the Vietnamese community and hopefully make some friends, we're still thinking about whether it's in her best interest. We have a couple of years to decide. At the party I did have a brief chat with the teacher of the littlest ones and she said that there are always students who only have one Vietnamese parent and who speak little Vietnamese and that her goal is just for them to have fun and learn a few phrases, but I still think it will be harder for Adeline as she will have no one to practice with and an immersion experience as possibly the only child without a direct link to Vietnamese language and culture at home could be stressful. I don't want her to feel like an outsider in a world that is so different from what she knows, but I don't want her to feel like the only real link she has to Vietnam and the only way she identifies being Vietnamese is through her looks and some of her favourite foods. So it's a dilemma and as a rampant overthinker of EVERYTHING it's something I've been turning around in my head a lot and likely will continue to. Adding to the discussion is that Vietnamese school is a couple of hours each Sunday, and as we are absolutely not a family who likes to overschedule ourselves or our child and we believe that one or maybe two activities a week on top of school is plenty, so choosing Vietnamese School for Adeline would impact on her being able to participate in dance or music or swimming or whatever else she is interested in. I guess we'll have to see who Adeline is at five before we decide. She might be very interested in learning more about being Vietnamese and in learning the language or she might not, and all we can do is hope to provide the best opportunities to learn when she's ready.

 

Comments

[Steph]

LOL poor Adeline, that face says it all! We were forced to go to Greek school each Saturday. It was tortuous and ultimately ended badly - I don't speak Greek and I resent my culture because it was forced on me. I wish my amily made it fun like you are doing for Adeline.