Little Acorn

And then Christmas was over...

I won't lie - Christmas was hard. Really hard. Just as hard as I thought it would be. There was crying every day and lots of trying somewhat successfully not to cry, especially in public. Luckily there was nowhere we needed to be and David and my Mom and I kept each other company and passed the days. We did get a few pictures from the orphanage that were taken on Christmas Eve and although Adeline looks healthy and fine, she looks like an orphan again, which made me very sad and angry. There was no news about our return, but we're still hopeful for January or February. Or we're trying to be hopeful anyway. Our daughter should be with us and every day that passes is one more day that she should have been home, getting the love and care that only her family can provide. We know that she is receiving loving and attentive care, but just being in a third world orphanage comes with significant risks to her health and development. David and I are attempting to cope by eating way too much sugar and too many fried snacks and watching a lot of brain-numbing movies. It helps, although the massive carbo-loading is going to have to end soon for our own good. Now that David is back to work my days are way too long. My strategy is to harness the healing power of busy-ness, so all day long I've been tidying, cooking things for the freezer (if anyone needs frozen squash puree, I've got you covered) and crafting. I'm hoping the rain will stop soon so that I can get out into the garden and do the fall clean-up that I missed out on because I was getting ready to leave the country. Making things has always been very therapeutic for me and has gotten me through some of the other hard times in my life. I'm having trouble picking a project though. Long before we knew who she was, I was making things for the small person, and now that I think I should make something just for me I have no idea what to do. I know I could and probably should continue to make things for Adeline, but instead of being distracting they seem to really focus me on the hurt and the worry and that's not what I need right now. Today I'm putting together some granny squares into a doll blanket and all I can think about is if she will ever be here to play with it. So I need a project just for me...knitting, sewing, crocheting, embroidering...it doesn't matter what, but it should be time consuming and satisfying. It has to be easy as my brain is pretty scattered, but it should be complex enough that it is a good distraction. My studio is half packed up as we were in the middle of the transition from craft room to play room when we left and I've been paralyzed trying to decide whether or not to finish the transition. I don't think I believe in jinxing things, but maybe I do. I think I could find any sort of supply I needed though and I have an enormous large insane healthy stockpile of yarn, fabric, trim and notions as well as a million patterns and all the tools I could possibly need, but I just can't decide. Everything I think of just seems useless. I guess I just want to be making things for Adeline or her room and anything I can think of for me just seems dumb.

For New Year's Eve tonight David is making us dinner and then we're going to watch all the episodes of "Glee" that we recorded while we were away. We'll likely be in bed before midnight, but all the days are the same lately - just one more day that we've been kept apart from our girl and hopefully one more day closer to going back for her. Whatever your plans are for this evening I hope that they are just what you need to send 2009 on it's way and welcome in the brand new year.

Sorry to be such a downer again. David says my posts should come with a warning "Caution - the following post will crush and mangle your holiday spirit. Read at your own peril".

Home

First, thank you so much to everyone who has commented or sent us email. My intention was to write a personal email to each and every one of you to thank you for your kind words and good wishes, but hopefully you all know how much David and I appreciate you taking the time to reach out to us. As we requested in our last post, please don't talk about the country where our daughter is waiting for us in the comments or discuss our situation in public forums. We don't want anything to jeopardize our chances of returning and negative things on the internet is something this country is very sensitive to.

We made it home Monday in the early morning, but this place doesn't feel much like home right now. We are taking things day by day (hour by hour and minute by minute sometimes) and we aren't pushing ourselves to do anything, which means that the last few days have passed in a haze of sleeping at odd hours (we're not even trying to fight jet lag), eating ice cream whenever we feel like it and trying to distract ourselves just a little with dumb movies. Nothing really works to distract us or make us feel any better. We are always thinking about our girl and absolutely everything reminds us of her. We just plain miss her so very much. We are sad. Broken. Angry. Worried. Scared. And hurt. So very hurt. Each day seems to be at least a month long and the days we manage to have a shower we feel like we've accomplished something. We hoped it would get a little easier day by day, but if anything it's getting harder. David is heading back to work on Monday so I'm assuming that our life will start to take on a more predictable structure after that. I don't think I'll be leaving the house until after Christmas. It's just too hard to hear all the music and see all the happy families and the sound of a crying baby sends me into a panic and is guaranteed to make us both have huge public breakdowns.

All that being said, we do have a lot of HOPE, and we don't believe that it is misplaced hope. Our agency, the orphanage and one of the branches of government involved in this process all believe that we will be invited back and that's all that we're holding onto. At this point we truly believe that the odds of us being reunited someday are better than the odds of us having lost her forever, so we have to keep hope in our hearts, as sad and hurt and scared as we are. We are comforted that we didn't have to leave our daughter with strangers, and although she should be with us, if she can't be we're glad that she is back with the people who so obviously loved her and took such good care of her before we met. It doesn't stop me running all the worst case scenarios through my mind over and over again while I'm trying to fall asleep, but to know that she is safe and loved does help.

As you can guess, Christmas is basically canceled at our place this year. We will mark the day in a quiet way and as hard as it is, we will be decorating the tree, wrapping Adeline's presents and filling her stocking so that we can take pictures. In a few years when she believes in Santa, we want her to know that she wasn't forgotten on her first Christmas even though she had to be far away from home.

Gone, but not Forgotten

I have removed all the previous posts dealing with the adoption of our baby girl and our trip to go bring her home for now. We hope that our process is still continuing and that we will finally have our "happily ever after". It's very much like a fairy tale - a story of great love, an unfair and cruel separation and many trials and tribulations, hopefully with a happy ending. All the posts have been saved and once our current situation is resolved and we are legally joined as a family I will put those posts back up. It's just too hard for me to look at those posts now, and we feel that we have to protect our daughter's privacy until she is legally with us. Thanks for understanding, as I know you do.

Sad News

Although we still have hope that things could work out in the end, we were devastated to learn this morning that we have to return our sweet daughter to the orphanage tomorrow morning and come back to Canada tomorrow evening without her.

Our hearts are completely broken, and we need some time to grieve. There is nothing we can do but wait and hope. There's nothing more I can say about this and I can't tell you what has gone on, besides the fact that it is nothing to do with us or the baby and is at a much higher level where things are totally beyond our control. As we are still hopeful that our process will continue, we would appreciate your comments, but please don't mention the country where our daughter is from as we don't want anything at all to jeopardize our chances of returning here for our girl.

Worst. Christmas. Ever.

Introducing...

Adeline

 

So. Very. Happy.