First, thank you so much to everyone who has commented or sent us email. My intention was to write a personal email to each and every one of you to thank you for your kind words and good wishes, but hopefully you all know how much David and I appreciate you taking the time to reach out to us. As we requested in our last post, please don't talk about the country where our daughter is waiting for us in the comments or discuss our situation in public forums. We don't want anything to jeopardize our chances of returning and negative things on the internet is something this country is very sensitive to.
We made it home Monday in the early morning, but this place doesn't feel much like home right now. We are taking things day by day (hour by hour and minute by minute sometimes) and we aren't pushing ourselves to do anything, which means that the last few days have passed in a haze of sleeping at odd hours (we're not even trying to fight jet lag), eating ice cream whenever we feel like it and trying to distract ourselves just a little with dumb movies. Nothing really works to distract us or make us feel any better. We are always thinking about our girl and absolutely everything reminds us of her. We just plain miss her so very much. We are sad. Broken. Angry. Worried. Scared. And hurt. So very hurt. Each day seems to be at least a month long and the days we manage to have a shower we feel like we've accomplished something. We hoped it would get a little easier day by day, but if anything it's getting harder. David is heading back to work on Monday so I'm assuming that our life will start to take on a more predictable structure after that. I don't think I'll be leaving the house until after Christmas. It's just too hard to hear all the music and see all the happy families and the sound of a crying baby sends me into a panic and is guaranteed to make us both have huge public breakdowns.
All that being said, we do have a lot of HOPE, and we don't believe that it is misplaced hope. Our agency, the orphanage and one of the branches of government involved in this process all believe that we will be invited back and that's all that we're holding onto. At this point we truly believe that the odds of us being reunited someday are better than the odds of us having lost her forever, so we have to keep hope in our hearts, as sad and hurt and scared as we are. We are comforted that we didn't have to leave our daughter with strangers, and although she should be with us, if she can't be we're glad that she is back with the people who so obviously loved her and took such good care of her before we met. It doesn't stop me running all the worst case scenarios through my mind over and over again while I'm trying to fall asleep, but to know that she is safe and loved does help.
As you can guess, Christmas is basically canceled at our place this year. We will mark the day in a quiet way and as hard as it is, we will be decorating the tree, wrapping Adeline's presents and filling her stocking so that we can take pictures. In a few years when she believes in Santa, we want her to know that she wasn't forgotten on her first Christmas even though she had to be far away from home.
I can just imagine how it feels for you and if I knew what to say to make it better I would try. Have faith that it will work out in the end and be worth the wait and struggle.
I know all too well about how hard it is this time of year to see happy families and have shed many tears but I know you will have the happy ending you deserve when it is the right time. xx
Posted by: Steph | December 20, 2009 at 06:09 AM
I am sure things will work out - not sure how or when but they will. Please hold onto each other and do something nice for your selves - you are good people and can help each other through this sadness and setback. You are lucky to have each other. wishing you all the best - take all the time you need.
Posted by: Karen | December 20, 2009 at 08:58 AM
I'm still at a loss of words for what you are experiencing. Wishing you a little joy this holiday.
Posted by: Krista | December 20, 2009 at 10:23 AM
You are breaking my heart - I wish there was something - anything I/we could do to ease the hurt or help the adoption process get to the happy ending you deserve. God Bless you!
Posted by: Kim | December 20, 2009 at 01:57 PM
I have thought of you often through your adoption journey, and now I think of you daily. Take what care you can of your dear broken heart, and hold what hope you can that soon your sweet daughter will be home with you.
Posted by: Cricket | December 20, 2009 at 02:02 PM
My heart breaks for you both. I send positive thoughts to you both and your sweet little one every day. ((hugs))
Posted by: Jackie | December 21, 2009 at 10:20 AM
Keep pampering yourselves as much as you can and planning to go back. We are thinking of you...
Posted by: Kristine | December 21, 2009 at 02:08 PM
I've been thinking about you and praying that you are reunited with your daughter soon. God bless you all, especially your daughter, while she is away from you.
Posted by: Maggie | December 21, 2009 at 03:24 PM
My heart goes out to you and David, and I hope things take a turn for the better. Our whole family has been following your story. There is a reason for everything, but sometimes we just don't see it at the time. I hope there is a good one behind this, and like I said, the outcome is to you favor.
Posted by: Elizabeth | December 22, 2009 at 10:08 AM
Wishing you peace this Christmas.
Posted by: jodi | December 24, 2009 at 08:53 AM
I found your blog through Jane's Apron. And I am so glad that I did. Reading your words and getting a chance to send you light and love have helped to make this holiday meaningful for me. How lovely it is that you and your husband have taken this treasured risk - I find that there is nothing more vulnerable than being a parent. And that is what you are, whether she is with you, or at the orphanage. Blessings to all of you.
Love,
Elise
Posted by: Elise | December 25, 2009 at 10:07 PM